Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
