It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
