Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
