Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
