At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
