I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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