I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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