last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
