He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
