How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
