i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
