hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
