My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
