I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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