at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
