You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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