Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Randomize
