rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
