I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He's on the porch naked. Help.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
