Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
