I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
