When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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