Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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