My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
