: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Fuck appropriateness.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
