just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
