I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
