my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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