i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
