There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
