Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
