After last night, I could never be a politician.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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