I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So much rum. So many feels.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
