you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
