Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
