I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i think im in europe. pls send help
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
