It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
