There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
