I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
