Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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