I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
