I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
