the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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