You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
