Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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