he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
