I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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