my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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