Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
