I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
