I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
