Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My ass is underappreciated
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
