he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
