y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
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