did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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