checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
